Choose Your Own Darksiders Adventure

This is a very silly, and objectively bad Choose Your Own Adventure game. Continue at your own peril. 

Previously in Darksiders…

The world has been demolished. Humanity is extinct, or maybe it’s back alive. Nobody ever finished Darksiders 2 to find out. The point is that the world is in ruins.

You are Fury. Much like your brothers, you crash land on Earth. You are eager to kill whatever crosses your path. You also need to find out what is happening with The Council and The Balance because after two games they both remain a mystery.

Your goal is to explore the earth, find your brother and kill as many things as possible along the way. Let’s get started, shall we?

… 

Your entry to the Earth has caused a large crater. Fire curls around the edges in a pleasingly dangerous way. In order to continue your adventure, you need to leave this accursed pit. Do you:

1. Effortlessly leap out of the pit on to the soft ground to the left (1)
2. Forcefully leap out of the pit onto the soft ground on the right (2)
3. Shout loudly because there is nothing to kill (3)

 

1: You effortlessly hop out of the crater and survey the world. It’s barren and lifeless. Disappointed that there is nothing to kill, do you:

1. Journey North to find a being in whose blood you can bathe (5)
2. Journey South hoping to find your brothers and discover why you are on this lifeless planet, not slicing flesh and stomping bones. (6)
3. Shout loudly because there is nothing to kill. (7)

 

2: You leap out of the crater with such force that you rocket into the sky. As you begin your hurtling descent, you consider that perhaps the soft approach may work better on this weak, pathetic planet. As you land, you form another hole roughly as deep as the one from before. What should you do now? Do you:

1. Effortlessly leap out of the pit onto the soft ground (1)
2. Forcefully leap out of the pit onto the soft ground (2) (CHANGE THIS NUMBER)
3. Shout loudly because there is nothing to kill (3)

 

3: Your roar is so furious that the very earth begins to shake causing small stones to roll towards you.

“Foolish beings.” you think to yourself, “You may be many but you are so tiny.”

You conclude your howl and pull your weapons. You’re eager to fight what must surely be a stone golem or rock monster. Alas, nothing appears, so you begin bellowing once more. This causes even more stones to fall towards you. Excitement seeps back into your veins. You think, surely this time you will get to kill a stone monster. When nothing appears, you begin shout yet again. This continues for several hours. (4)

 

4: Convinced that these stone monsters must be cowards, you decide to get back to the task at hand. What do you do now? Do you:

1. Effortlessly leap out of the pit onto the soft ground (1)
2. Forcefully leap out of the pit onto the soft ground (2)
3. Shout loudly because there is nothing to kill (3)

 

5: You travel Northwards. After many hours, all you see is the same desolate, lifeless landscape. Disappointed that there is nothing to kill, you start thinking about heading elsewhere. What do you want to do?

1. Continue North. If you’ve learnt anything in this life, it’s that there is always something to kill, eventually. (8)
2. Head South to find your brothers (6)

 

6: As you travel South, you begin to see the ruins of the human civilisation that once occupied this disgusting, pathetic, weak, cosmic ball. You enter what was once a city. Despite entering what was once a bustling urban expanse there is no sign of your brothers, and, more importantly, nothing to kill. What do you want to do?

1. Search the crumbling tower (12)
2. Head for the centre of the city (19)
3. Shout loudly because there is nothing to kill (7)

 

7: Sucking air into your lungs, you unleash a cry that shakes the ground. This cry becomes a scream and that scream inverts in on itself turning back into a cry. Clamping your mouth shut, the incredible sound continues to ring to the horizon. And yet, nothing comes to challenge you. The wind begins to howls its response and in doing so angers you. Drawing your weapons you are ready for an air elemental or winged beast to fall from the sky. When nothing appears you begin to shout once more. This continues for several hours. (11)

 

8: As you forge ahead North you begin to despair that there is nothing to kill on this planet. Suddenly, a small furry creature darts in front of you. It seems to be holding a nut or large seed, but that is of little concern. You feel your blood start to pump as the thought of finally killing something overtakes your body. Do you?

1. Howl in pleasure at the thought of killing something (9)
2. Pull out your blade, ready your wrath abilities, and grab your gun. You are prepared for anything and won’t underestimate this creature just because of its size. (10)

 

9: Your furious battle cry spooks the creature and it darts away faster than you’d expected. Giving chase, you can’t help but feel glee in finding a worthy adversary. You admire its ability to leap and bound up trees, across rocks and over any terrain. You quickly find that you cannot fit in the same small spaces, so the creature always seems to be one step ahead. Eventually, you lose sight of your nemesis and have no clue where it has gone. After all these years, all the wars, the death and the killing, you have never been bested. And yet, this small seemingly weak creature has gotten the better of you. You fall the ground, utterly defeated. Never have you known such shame, you will never lift your weapons again. This is the end of your journey.

 

10: Readying your weapons you leap forward, but the creature is faster. Despite is stature, it seems this might finally be a worthy enemy. It darts away and you give chase. The fluffy being is a worthy adversary and pushes you to your limits. It may be fast, but you are a keen hunter. You pursue your foe for many days, across the wasteland that is the Earth. After several days, you draw close to your quarry. Finally, you have it cornered with no hope for escape. Drawing your weapons, you announce yourself to the furry creature. It looks at you blankly, nibbling a nut. In that moment, you both lock eyes for what seems like an eternity. It sees you and you see it, for a moment both beings are one. In this infinite share moment, you see yourself as all the foes you have killed and them as you. They stare, and you stare back. Finally, you snap from your reverie to see that the beast scurrying up a nearby tree indifferent to you. Your faith in yourself slips and you break. Why have you been killing everything since the dawn of time? You decide to sit a moment and kill this thought. This is the end of your journey.

 

11: Somewhat calm once more, you are convinced that this planet is full of cowards and weaklings. What do you want to do?

1. Head North (8)
2. Head South (6)

 

12: Entering this worthless structure, you see that there is nothing to kill and grunt in anger. You must reach the top so that you can survey the area. How are you going to get there?

1. Steps are for weaklings, you decide to leap through the building (13)
2. Take the stairs, you might spot something to kill along the way (18)

 

13: As you leap through each floor, you subsequently destroy the buildings structural integrity. This already collapsing building drops to the earth spraying the city in rubble and dust. Even as the building falls you try to reach your destinations but fall unceremonially to the wreckage below. With no way to survey the area, you must trudge onwards to the centre of the city and search for your brothers. (14)

 

14: Covered in dust and rubble, you enter the city centre. As you approach, you spot two figures sitting beneath a lopsided lamp post. The two appear to be deep in conversation. As the first beings that you’ve seen on this utterly dull planet, your blood turns hot as you think about how slicing them open and watching the life drain from their bodies.

Do you?

1. Rush the figures, stabbing one the back and shooting the other in the head. They have clearly dropped their guard and will be easy prey. (15)
2. Call out the figures, drawing your weapons as you ready yourself for a mighty battle (16)

 

15: You leap forward with an effortless speed. The two stood no chance. Before the first can even turn his head, your blade has plunged through his back into his heart. The other tries to cry out, but your bullet clears a space between his eyes, leaving only a view of the lamp post beyond. Only as the bodies slump to the floor do you realise that these are the brothers you came here to find. Death and War lay motionless at your feet and you let out a mighty cry. Partly because of the loss of your family but also because you have just defeated two mighty enemies as easily as breathing. While your journey ends here, you are now undoubtedly the most powerful being on this planet and likely the universe, and that’s what truly matters.

 

16: Pulling your blades and prepping your sidearm, you shout your challenge to the figures. They rise slowly and turn to survey you. You spot that they are your brothers, but once a challenge has been issued, it cannot be undone. The two shout that the Right of Garryha can be invoked and the challenge can be fulfilled another day. Before you stand War and Death, they explain that they have already killed everybody on Earth. This causes you to break down. Not killing something for so long is literally killing you. You must kill something in order to live. Do you?

1. Kill your brothers (15)
2. Kill yourself (17)

 

17: In your hurry to kill something, you look down only to see yourself. You need to kill something, and you just happen to be the closest thing. Raising your gun, you shoot yourself in the head. As your body drops the ground, your brothers sigh and mutter something about having to be in a fourth game so they can bring you back to life. This is the end of your journey.

 

18: As you head for the staircase, you see that there are 74 floors to this building. Taking it one step at a time, you make your way to the top of the building. On the 73rd floor, you realise that there is nothing to kill in this building. Furry begins to boil within you. You start to lash out and smash the walls around you. The power of your blows rock the building and cause it to begin to finish its collapse. However, your furry does not wain. You punch, kick and shoot everything in sight. As the building falls apart around you, you see nothing but enemies to smash. Falling into the rubble, you feel there was something you were meant to be doing, but that doesn’t matter anymore. You are going to kill this stupid building. (14)

 

19: Heading to the city centre, you spot two figures sitting beneath a lopsided lamp post. The two appear to be deep in conversation. As the first beings, you’ve seen on this utterly dull planet, your blood begins to rush as you think about how slicing them open and watching the life drain from their bodies. Do you?

1. Rush the figures, stabbing on the back and shooting the other in the head. They have clearly dropped their guard and will be easy prey. (15)
2. Call out the figures, drawing your weapons as you ready yourself for a mighty battle (16)

 

---

Thank you for playing (?) this weird thing. If you want to listen to us play it, then you can check out podcast #17. There are some minor differences  (this version is better, whatever that means), but for the most part, it is the same.

If you want to play this through Twine let me know. If enough people want that sort of thing, then I will look into making it.

If you want to support more random rubbish like this, then you can always use our Amazon Affiliate link.